I know I know, it's so cute when adults believe that Noah actually had enough of an an all-star cast of Marlin Perkins, Jack Hanna, and Steve Irwin types to not only locate two of every creature but also to fit them all on a boat. Not to mention the water and food. And the regular old animals aren't even the biggest problem, what about micro-organisms?

But just because a person suffers from this kind of disability doesn't mean you have to patronize him or her with baby talk. Speak normally, just be careful what you say.
Hint: Don't speak in metaphor and only use simile when absolutely necessary!
You don't want a literalist calling the ambulance when you say you have a frog in your throat, nor calling the cops when you say of a car you bought that "it was a steal".

Spare the Rod . . . (Just Have a Heart and Spare the Rod)
When progress isn't forthcoming, as tempted as you may be to snatch up everything that remotely falls under the definition of "rod" (antennae, baseball bats, dowels, pointy sticks, hockey sticks, icicles, etc.) and smack the everluvin' stuffing out of your friend the literalist, do spare the rod. Consider it sort of a retroactive treat for his underpriveleged childhood of not being allowed to read Dr. Seuss because it's witchcraft.

"Walk A Mile" in His Shoes
but don't tell it to him that way silly! He'll start taking his shoes off for you, or in even more extreme cases he might tell you that you couldn't walk a mile in his shoes because they're not even a foot long.

Set aside a day with your friend in which you become a literalist too.
Some activities you can share include:

Rolling in dough
(not too much water or it beomes paste)
Painting the town red
(I recommend Sherwin-Williams)
Taking in a movie
(they're much easier to care for than stray dogs)
Getting pickled
(generic vinegar is just as good as Heinz, and cheaper)
Making waves
(ask your old physics teacher for a ripple tank)
Being gold diggers
(the fun part is dressing up like 49ers)
Making out like bandits
(the hard part is kissing while that bandana is over your face)

Don't just whistle Dixie, sing it too!
(your friend the literalist likely knows the lyrics by heart)


A Biblical Literalist,
is a person who believes that every word of the Holy Bible is true. This can be quite embarra**ing for the person when reason, logic and outmoded ideals have rendered many pa**ages and commands of the good book into obsolete silliness.
If you are ever engaged in conservation with one of these people, use these queries to silence,
confuse and upbraid them into submission

1. Ask them if they are now wearing, or have ever worn, a garment made from 2 different materials. This is forbidden.

2. If it is a gentleman with whom you speak, let him know that he must never sit on a chair or lie down in a bed that a woman has occupied while menstruating. He will be one tired fellow if he has adhered to this.

3. The Bible states the earth is flat and sits on pillars. Demand that they take you to these pillars immediately or at least show you a photograph of one.

4. Ask them to explain dinosaurs. Ask them why there is no mention of them in the Bible.

5. Ask them how long it takes for the sun to move around the earth.

6. If they have children, find out why they are still living as any disobedient or rebellious child should be put to death.

7. Tell them you would like a list of all the adulterers they have killed.

8. If there are idols or images of anything in the room, demand that they begin smashing them as these things are forbidden.

As they weep before you in sin, begging forgiveness,
simply say, "Who knows, really? You're probably right."